My relationship with suicide and death

Sometimes I just wish to die. That's why this wish is going up.

But as you can see, there is a question mark after the word "die". Sometimes, I want to die. I have finally realized that I probably suffer from depression. That can probably be figured out already through my posts on this blog and in my other blog as well. I just disappoint myself all the time and I don't like it.

Sometimes, I set incredibly high standards for myself, but that's a different day's post.

I have days. I have days where all I want to do is go home and sleep. I have days where I hate everybody and want to be alone. People don't understand me. They take my silence as me being mad at them or me ignoring them, but that's not the case. Those days are when my depression is the worst. In every single class, I feel like crying because said people don't understand me. I get forced into being social despite the fact that I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. I'm just a people pleaser and I would rather suffer than have people think badly of me or be mad at me. Maybe that's my problem, but I want it fixed.

Sometimes, i'm sick of living. I hate most of my family and sometimes, I hate my friends. There use to be one person that I could never hate... he still is the person that I can never hate. The only person that I rarely feel like hating is my best friend. She's a special person and most of the time, I could never hate her. Other people, yes. I hate all the time. I hate so much that sometimes, I sit down and think to myself "what is wrong with you?" how could someone who seems so normal harbor so much hate? Sometimes, I feel like a freak and maybe the world would be a better place without me in it. Maybe me killing myself would save some other people from dying by my hands because honestly, I have NO idea what I am capable of, especially when I'm mad. I used to have that one person who could calm me down because he knew everything about me, but now he's gone and out of my life.

Because of him, I feel like I can never love again and I'll have to deal with myself and my flaws alone. I don't want that. I am scared of living. I'm scared of living a really bad life. I am going to die eventually, why not make that happen sooner? I've probably been having suicidal thoughts since I was 11 when everything spiraled out of control. Once I entered middle school, I hated everything. My elementary life wasn't that bad. It was actually so much fun but middle school was a different story. I became quiet and I seriously thought I was becoming a mute because I never talked. High school is a little bit better. I have friends. Friends who i'm learning to trust. Friends who know more about me. Friends who I tell things to, but also those same friends scare me.

I am completely scared that they think i'm a freak. They think i'm crazy and they're just dealing with me so that I don't aim all my hate at them. Because honestly, if i collected all of my hate and aimed it towards one person, they could be dead for all I know. I scare myself every day with the thoughts that travel through my mind. I scare myself so much that at times, I want complete escape from my mind and the only way to get that is death.

Now some may be wondering why I haven't just killed myself yet... The answer to that is quite complicated. I've hurt myself before (see my wish about my scar) but that was only 1 time. I might be bipolar. There are two me. The me who is dark and dangerous and the me who is wimpy and scared. The part of me that wants to kill myself never actually gets what she wants because the wimpy and scared part of me always kicks in and I get too scared to even plan my own death.

I guess what i'm saying is that sometimes I wish that I was dead. I still get those days where I want to die and just not have to deal with anything anymore. Sometimes, I want this wish to come true.

But to tell you the truth, what I really want is to get better. How will I do that? I don't know, but I want to. Isn't that the first step? Wanting to get better?

Thanks for reading
Star Count:12

New changes

I've decided to not actually make stars but just to wish. I'll record my wishes here because I have a lot of them. To be honest, I am just too lazy to write it down and take pictures and everything. Sometimes my wishes are stupid and sometimes they require lots and lots of thought, but this blog will just be a place for all of them.

You'll see the true ME behind all my wishes. In my opinion, the random wishes will be the most entertaining because it's me. I'm one of the most random people there are and I like to rant so.... yeah, not sure how to end that sentence. Just letting you guys know that i'm formatting things differently (mainly no more pictures).

There will be one more post that will have pictures, at least for a little while. That's because I wrote it a long time ago. This is what I mean. I have batches of wishes that stem from my super depressing times but I don't like having so many posts in one day so I write them all and then I save them and publish them a different day. With this new, unformulated way of writing and posting, I won't have to hold myself back. I still have a few pictures that I haven't written posts about yet, but meh. I'll get to them when I get to them.

Peace out wishers and dreamers

Scars, who else has them?

This is my wish:

The reason I have this wish is I have scars from the first and probably the only time I have ever been pushed far enough to hurt myself. It was a really weak moment. I tend to get angry quite a lot. I am also a professional at controlling my anger, at least enough that very few people will actually notice I was angry.

Anyway, back to the point. I was angry. I was very angry at who else? My sisters. They are the only thing that would EVER drive me far enough up the wall to actually physically hurt myself. I used my nails and hurt my biceps hard enough that I caused scars. I... i'm sorry, this is just quite hard for me to talk about. At that moment in time, I didn't care who would be able to see my scars, I just did it. I didn't care. I needed to feel something else besides the anger that I had. I had to feel pain so I wouldn't flip out and try to kill one of my sisters. I'm working on having kinder thoughts, but it's hard with crappy ass sister. Blogging is my release.

Here is a picture of my scars:

The lighting is pretty bad, but you can kind of see it. Even though they are faded, they're still there. Every time I see them, I want to break down and cry because that was probably the lowest I have ever gone into my depression. I know I haven't hit rock bottom. I really don't want to hit rock bottom because I don't exactly want to end my life. I know as soon as I get out of this hell hole and go to college, things might improve, but then again things might not. Ugh. My scars are now a part of me and I hope I just don't make more.

I want to be proud of my scars. I want my scars to represent the success I have had in not trying to kill myself because I have thought about it plenty of times, I still think about it sometimes. I want to be proud of my scars in the sense that it wasn't a razor or drugs or something more severe. I want to be proud of my scars because they basically symbolize my depression and how it probably won't go away just like that. I have to work at being proud of my scars and I have to work at being a positive person. I guess that's all I have to say on this wish. It's pretty simple.

I may seem like a happy person, but a smile can hide so much.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 11

Twisted? or just me?

This is another wish:

This seems like a series of wishes that all interconnect. I should probably make it like that.... but anyways.

Yes, that is my wish. My mind is seriously messed up. Seriously. I can write horror stories like no other, just ask my friends. I even scared a teacher with one of my horror stories. It sometimes even scares me.

I'm scared. I'm so so scared. I'm scared of myself, which is pretty scary. Are you ever afraid of yourself? Afraid of what you would do when you just snapped one day. I have pretty dark thoughts sometimes. Thoughts of blood, murder, other things. I sometimes fear that one day I'll just be so sick of the world that I would actually go out and murder someone. It's pretty scary.

Sometimes, I even think that the only reason I haven't killed anyone yet is because I want a future for myself; a future other than jail for the rest of my life. It's so scary.

Sometimes I feel like I am going insane and I should just kill myself now before I hurt anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I am abnormal, that I am literally going insane from what I have experienced in my life. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through therapy because sometimes I feel that this anger I have inside me is the only thing actually keeping me sane. I'm a totally different person on the inside. I feel I am completely evil on the inside.

I don't know. I just wish I could be normal and think normal thoughts. I don't want these thoughts, but I can't help it. My anger has developed into something evil and I just don't know. And my sister is a bitch. Ugh, like right now. I am not a happy person. There are moments where I am rarely happy. This anger, this need to see karma kick my sister's asses is basically one of the few things keeping me from killing myself. I just have no idea what to do and I wish that a simple wish could fix this evil thing that's developed inside of me.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count:10

Wishing for failure

What kind of person wishes for failure for other people? Me, that's who.

This is my wish. It's seriously my wish. If you want to know why, read my previous post because it will probably explain A LOT. I just wish my sisters would fail at something. I wish they would fail at school, at least once. I want them to fail in life because they seriously don't deserve success with all the BAD karma they've gathered. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I seriously want them to fail just so they have the smallest possibility of getting what they deserve.

They're terrible people and they deserve terrible things. Maybe I will fail because of all this venting and anger I have, but they don't deserve to succeed. For the second oldest sister, I picture her alone for the rest of her life. There is no one in the world who would want to put up with the kind of person she is now. When I think of her, that is what I wish for so badly. I know I am a terrible person for this, but if you went through what I did, being raised in a family with almost no love for each other, you would probably think this too.

As for my third oldest sister, I see her as a prostitute. Seriously. She is absolute trouble. All she does is use people. She stays out ON SCHOOL NIGHTS until 9 or sometimes a little bit later. She hangs out with boys for hours on end. She leaves the house without telling anyone where she is going. I don't see any success for her. It may just be because I hate her and my judgement is clouded/ extreme, but that's seriously what I see. I see her as one of the druggy people who don't do anything with their lives. It may be early in the game of life, but looking forward, I just wish she ends up with some dead end job just so she can maybe learn from it. I just want some retribution for the way she treats her friends and family. It's not fair if she gets to be successful because she's not considerate and kind. She's just a superficial, vain, and absolutely fake person.

As for my other two sisters, they can be successful. I actually hope that the youngest one will become pretty successful. She deserves at least some form of happiness in her future because her present is pretty bleak, almost as bad as mine. I'm extremely scared that once I leave for college and later in life, she'll become a depressed person who kills herself. I'm extremely scared for that because she deserves a lot more than that.

Oh here I go again with the tears. I can't write about this anymore. As soon as the tears start to flow, I have to stop talking about whatever it is i'm talking about because I hate crying. It just makes me more depressed.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 9

Family.... I really hate this topic.

This is the wish.

My sisters suck. They really do. They're selfish and rude and just inconsiderate. I wish I could have better sisters. I can honestly say that I don't really love any of them. The closest one that I could even say I absolutely care about is the 2nd youngest. Even if I say that, there are times where I absolutely hate her guts.

This may sound really mean, but my sisters are pure bitches sometimes. Seriously, they are backstabbers and have NO respect for anyone at all.

I would like to start off by saying I have 4 sisters. I know that's a lot, but my parents really wanted a boy. I blame my parents partially for bringing all these children into the world and basically not caring for them. My parents weren't really a parental figure in my life. That job was basically all handed down to my grandma. That is why I love her and probably only her in my entire family.

Now, the one person that made me want this wish is the second oldest sister. I am the oldest. She is a bitch. She is a total bitch, seriously. If you meet her, she seems shy, but as you get to know her your mind changes. She is a complete bully. She bullied me and all my sisters. She's violent and she emotionally abused me, I would say. I have nothing to compare it to, but I feel like it really is emotional abuse.

She isn't this way to only me, but to my other sisters and to her very own cousins and friends. She talks bad about people behind her back. She calls her supposed BEST FRIEND stupid and dumb behind her back. She had made people cry. She is pure evil incarnated. She doesn't give a crap about anybody's feelings.

Another thing that makes her a complete fail at being a human being is that she can't keep secrets. At all. Seriously. She tells my mother about my cousins and their PRIVATE LIVES. What kind of person does that? If my cousin, especially my supposed favorite cousin, confided in me, I would be a decent person and not go to my parents and tell them EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. All she does is hurt people. That's all she can do. She isn't decent. She isn't anything but the devil. This is my opinion of her and seriously, that is messed up. I know it is, but how can I develop any sense of love for such an inhuman person.

You can tell I have some pent up feelings about her can't you? This isn't even the worst of it. I have another post that you can find here about her. *be warned, there is A LOT of swearing which I don't normally do* I seriously hate her. I have so much hate for her that sometimes I just want to plan out her murder or kill myself so I don't have to deal with her (but that's a story for another day).

Ever since she and I got into an actual fist fight, I have been so much better off. That one explosion of anger made me realize what a total slut bag bitch she is and I haven't talked to her since. I am so glad I kicked her out of my life. She will NOT be a part of my wedding. My children will probably not even know that she was my sister. That's how much I want her out of my freaking life. I hate her. I hate her so much and i'm glad that once I am off on my own, I will NEVER have to deal with her abuse again.



Now onward to my other sister. This sister is the 3rd oldest. My honest opinion of her? She's a slut, a complete slut. I hate her guts. All she does is use people. She's a user. She actually said this about her best friend "I only invited her over so she would give me her shorts". That is not what a real person does is it?

Due to her stupid excuse for a personality, she has had NUMEROUS falling outs with her friends and actually, I don't feel bad for her. I actually feel bad for the friends that had to deal with all her shit throughout their friendship. I feel that she will never amount to anything because of what a horrible person she is. I am terribly blunt in my blog posts, but this is a place for venting out what I feel and I am a person filled with hate.

It's sad isn't it? My family. My sisters are abusive, emotionally and physically sometimes. They don't even realize it's wrong. I'm probably the most human out of all my sisters and that's sad because sometimes I feel messed up.

Oh my goodness, I can't do this anymore. I can't write about my family because it makes me a depressed mess. It makes me seriously think about ending my own life because of how miserable it is. I'm sorry, I can't finish this post with what I actually want to write. It's already bad enough, everything I've said. Maybe in the future, I will write more about my family, but all it does is make me cry and feel extremely judged by no one in particular, like it's my fault that I am letting all this happen because I'm the oldest and I should be the one helping to teach them what's right and what's wrong.

Thanks to them and probably my own personality, I have become an extreme push over with pent of anger and feelings of depression and suicide.

I just wish for someone to make it better, anyone at all. I wish for better sisters all the time and it hasn't happened and probably will NEVER happen. That's the sad part. I can never have this wish because they won't EVER change. Sometimes, I think maybe my death would make them change.... and I just can't. I can't. I have to stop writing this post or else I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Just thanks for reading.
Star Count: 8

Be a Slut

I want to have confidence

So, explaining my title now.... I want to have the confidence to dress like a slut and not care what people say. I feel that it's something I've wanted to do for a long time. I want to be able to have the confidence to wear stuff that I wouldn't normally wear. I'm not a revealing person. I don't think I'm attractive enough to pull off that kind of clothing.

Plus, I've gained a lot of weight since I was a freshman. When I was a freshman, I was a size 1 and only 110 pounds. Now, as a senior, I am almost a size 5 and 130. I hate it. I hate it so much, but I haven't done anything about it because I'm lazy. I suppose it is my fault. In fact, I know it is my fault. I just hate exercise.

Anyway, I just want to develop more confidence in my body, the body that I have right now. One day, I will wear my slut clothing and feel proud and beautiful, not fat and ugly.

So I fold my star....

and put it in my jar..... I hope it comes true.

I got a new jar. Bought it from the container store :) I will eventually decorate it and make it a happy looking jar. I just need to get stickers and stuff first. This is lovely. I'm so proud of my accomplishment! (didn't think i would get the jar until never....)

Thanks for reading :)
Star Count: 7