Scars, who else has them?

This is my wish:

The reason I have this wish is I have scars from the first and probably the only time I have ever been pushed far enough to hurt myself. It was a really weak moment. I tend to get angry quite a lot. I am also a professional at controlling my anger, at least enough that very few people will actually notice I was angry.

Anyway, back to the point. I was angry. I was very angry at who else? My sisters. They are the only thing that would EVER drive me far enough up the wall to actually physically hurt myself. I used my nails and hurt my biceps hard enough that I caused scars. I... i'm sorry, this is just quite hard for me to talk about. At that moment in time, I didn't care who would be able to see my scars, I just did it. I didn't care. I needed to feel something else besides the anger that I had. I had to feel pain so I wouldn't flip out and try to kill one of my sisters. I'm working on having kinder thoughts, but it's hard with crappy ass sister. Blogging is my release.

Here is a picture of my scars:

The lighting is pretty bad, but you can kind of see it. Even though they are faded, they're still there. Every time I see them, I want to break down and cry because that was probably the lowest I have ever gone into my depression. I know I haven't hit rock bottom. I really don't want to hit rock bottom because I don't exactly want to end my life. I know as soon as I get out of this hell hole and go to college, things might improve, but then again things might not. Ugh. My scars are now a part of me and I hope I just don't make more.

I want to be proud of my scars. I want my scars to represent the success I have had in not trying to kill myself because I have thought about it plenty of times, I still think about it sometimes. I want to be proud of my scars in the sense that it wasn't a razor or drugs or something more severe. I want to be proud of my scars because they basically symbolize my depression and how it probably won't go away just like that. I have to work at being proud of my scars and I have to work at being a positive person. I guess that's all I have to say on this wish. It's pretty simple.

I may seem like a happy person, but a smile can hide so much.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 11

Twisted? or just me?

This is another wish:

This seems like a series of wishes that all interconnect. I should probably make it like that.... but anyways.

Yes, that is my wish. My mind is seriously messed up. Seriously. I can write horror stories like no other, just ask my friends. I even scared a teacher with one of my horror stories. It sometimes even scares me.

I'm scared. I'm so so scared. I'm scared of myself, which is pretty scary. Are you ever afraid of yourself? Afraid of what you would do when you just snapped one day. I have pretty dark thoughts sometimes. Thoughts of blood, murder, other things. I sometimes fear that one day I'll just be so sick of the world that I would actually go out and murder someone. It's pretty scary.

Sometimes, I even think that the only reason I haven't killed anyone yet is because I want a future for myself; a future other than jail for the rest of my life. It's so scary.

Sometimes I feel like I am going insane and I should just kill myself now before I hurt anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I am abnormal, that I am literally going insane from what I have experienced in my life. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through therapy because sometimes I feel that this anger I have inside me is the only thing actually keeping me sane. I'm a totally different person on the inside. I feel I am completely evil on the inside.

I don't know. I just wish I could be normal and think normal thoughts. I don't want these thoughts, but I can't help it. My anger has developed into something evil and I just don't know. And my sister is a bitch. Ugh, like right now. I am not a happy person. There are moments where I am rarely happy. This anger, this need to see karma kick my sister's asses is basically one of the few things keeping me from killing myself. I just have no idea what to do and I wish that a simple wish could fix this evil thing that's developed inside of me.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count:10

Be a Slut

I want to have confidence

So, explaining my title now.... I want to have the confidence to dress like a slut and not care what people say. I feel that it's something I've wanted to do for a long time. I want to be able to have the confidence to wear stuff that I wouldn't normally wear. I'm not a revealing person. I don't think I'm attractive enough to pull off that kind of clothing.

Plus, I've gained a lot of weight since I was a freshman. When I was a freshman, I was a size 1 and only 110 pounds. Now, as a senior, I am almost a size 5 and 130. I hate it. I hate it so much, but I haven't done anything about it because I'm lazy. I suppose it is my fault. In fact, I know it is my fault. I just hate exercise.

Anyway, I just want to develop more confidence in my body, the body that I have right now. One day, I will wear my slut clothing and feel proud and beautiful, not fat and ugly.

So I fold my star....

and put it in my jar..... I hope it comes true.

I got a new jar. Bought it from the container store :) I will eventually decorate it and make it a happy looking jar. I just need to get stickers and stuff first. This is lovely. I'm so proud of my accomplishment! (didn't think i would get the jar until never....)

Thanks for reading :)
Star Count: 7

Start

I folded the first wishes.


Yes, you read that right. I started my folding my first few wishes. Hopefully it does not take me 5 years to make 1000 wishes. But you can see below the wishes that I put into my stars.
So first, this is my star jar. I've had this since I was 13, so it's been 4 years. These are the stars that I've folded. I never put wishes into them. These are just empty stars. I can't say that. Some stars have things written in them, but that's a post for another day. Here is my star jar.

I don't plan to get rid of these stars. I'll keep them but they have no meaning to me. These two next stars have meaning.

They mark the beginning of my new journey. A journey that I needed to make since last August. A journey that will hopefully help me heal from what I've been through. As I sit here, I've come up with another wish. I'll leave that for a separate post. Anyway, here are the wishes I wrote into the stars. I hope these will actually come true.

As I place my stars into the new jar (I'm using a cup at the moment. I need to go find a jar to decorate before I can feel that this has officially started), I start my journey of wishes. Hopefully this blog will be able to catalog all those wishes.

Thanks for reading.

Star Count: 2