But as you can see, there is a question mark after the word "die". Sometimes, I want to die. I have finally realized that I probably suffer from depression. That can probably be figured out already through my posts on this blog and in my other blog as well. I just disappoint myself all the time and I don't like it.
Sometimes, I set incredibly high standards for myself, but that's a different day's post.
I have days. I have days where all I want to do is go home and sleep. I have days where I hate everybody and want to be alone. People don't understand me. They take my silence as me being mad at them or me ignoring them, but that's not the case. Those days are when my depression is the worst. In every single class, I feel like crying because said people don't understand me. I get forced into being social despite the fact that I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. I'm just a people pleaser and I would rather suffer than have people think badly of me or be mad at me. Maybe that's my problem, but I want it fixed.
Sometimes, i'm sick of living. I hate most of my family and sometimes, I hate my friends. There use to be one person that I could never hate... he still is the person that I can never hate. The only person that I rarely feel like hating is my best friend. She's a special person and most of the time, I could never hate her. Other people, yes. I hate all the time. I hate so much that sometimes, I sit down and think to myself "what is wrong with you?" how could someone who seems so normal harbor so much hate? Sometimes, I feel like a freak and maybe the world would be a better place without me in it. Maybe me killing myself would save some other people from dying by my hands because honestly, I have NO idea what I am capable of, especially when I'm mad. I used to have that one person who could calm me down because he knew everything about me, but now he's gone and out of my life.
Because of him, I feel like I can never love again and I'll have to deal with myself and my flaws alone. I don't want that. I am scared of living. I'm scared of living a really bad life. I am going to die eventually, why not make that happen sooner? I've probably been having suicidal thoughts since I was 11 when everything spiraled out of control. Once I entered middle school, I hated everything. My elementary life wasn't that bad. It was actually so much fun but middle school was a different story. I became quiet and I seriously thought I was becoming a mute because I never talked. High school is a little bit better. I have friends. Friends who i'm learning to trust. Friends who know more about me. Friends who I tell things to, but also those same friends scare me.
I am completely scared that they think i'm a freak. They think i'm crazy and they're just dealing with me so that I don't aim all my hate at them. Because honestly, if i collected all of my hate and aimed it towards one person, they could be dead for all I know. I scare myself every day with the thoughts that travel through my mind. I scare myself so much that at times, I want complete escape from my mind and the only way to get that is death.
Now some may be wondering why I haven't just killed myself yet... The answer to that is quite complicated. I've hurt myself before (see my wish about my scar) but that was only 1 time. I might be bipolar. There are two me. The me who is dark and dangerous and the me who is wimpy and scared. The part of me that wants to kill myself never actually gets what she wants because the wimpy and scared part of me always kicks in and I get too scared to even plan my own death.
I guess what i'm saying is that sometimes I wish that I was dead. I still get those days where I want to die and just not have to deal with anything anymore. Sometimes, I want this wish to come true.
But to tell you the truth, what I really want is to get better. How will I do that? I don't know, but I want to. Isn't that the first step? Wanting to get better?
Thanks for reading
Star Count:12
