My relationship with suicide and death

Sometimes I just wish to die. That's why this wish is going up.

But as you can see, there is a question mark after the word "die". Sometimes, I want to die. I have finally realized that I probably suffer from depression. That can probably be figured out already through my posts on this blog and in my other blog as well. I just disappoint myself all the time and I don't like it.

Sometimes, I set incredibly high standards for myself, but that's a different day's post.

I have days. I have days where all I want to do is go home and sleep. I have days where I hate everybody and want to be alone. People don't understand me. They take my silence as me being mad at them or me ignoring them, but that's not the case. Those days are when my depression is the worst. In every single class, I feel like crying because said people don't understand me. I get forced into being social despite the fact that I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. I'm just a people pleaser and I would rather suffer than have people think badly of me or be mad at me. Maybe that's my problem, but I want it fixed.

Sometimes, i'm sick of living. I hate most of my family and sometimes, I hate my friends. There use to be one person that I could never hate... he still is the person that I can never hate. The only person that I rarely feel like hating is my best friend. She's a special person and most of the time, I could never hate her. Other people, yes. I hate all the time. I hate so much that sometimes, I sit down and think to myself "what is wrong with you?" how could someone who seems so normal harbor so much hate? Sometimes, I feel like a freak and maybe the world would be a better place without me in it. Maybe me killing myself would save some other people from dying by my hands because honestly, I have NO idea what I am capable of, especially when I'm mad. I used to have that one person who could calm me down because he knew everything about me, but now he's gone and out of my life.

Because of him, I feel like I can never love again and I'll have to deal with myself and my flaws alone. I don't want that. I am scared of living. I'm scared of living a really bad life. I am going to die eventually, why not make that happen sooner? I've probably been having suicidal thoughts since I was 11 when everything spiraled out of control. Once I entered middle school, I hated everything. My elementary life wasn't that bad. It was actually so much fun but middle school was a different story. I became quiet and I seriously thought I was becoming a mute because I never talked. High school is a little bit better. I have friends. Friends who i'm learning to trust. Friends who know more about me. Friends who I tell things to, but also those same friends scare me.

I am completely scared that they think i'm a freak. They think i'm crazy and they're just dealing with me so that I don't aim all my hate at them. Because honestly, if i collected all of my hate and aimed it towards one person, they could be dead for all I know. I scare myself every day with the thoughts that travel through my mind. I scare myself so much that at times, I want complete escape from my mind and the only way to get that is death.

Now some may be wondering why I haven't just killed myself yet... The answer to that is quite complicated. I've hurt myself before (see my wish about my scar) but that was only 1 time. I might be bipolar. There are two me. The me who is dark and dangerous and the me who is wimpy and scared. The part of me that wants to kill myself never actually gets what she wants because the wimpy and scared part of me always kicks in and I get too scared to even plan my own death.

I guess what i'm saying is that sometimes I wish that I was dead. I still get those days where I want to die and just not have to deal with anything anymore. Sometimes, I want this wish to come true.

But to tell you the truth, what I really want is to get better. How will I do that? I don't know, but I want to. Isn't that the first step? Wanting to get better?

Thanks for reading
Star Count:12

Scars, who else has them?

This is my wish:

The reason I have this wish is I have scars from the first and probably the only time I have ever been pushed far enough to hurt myself. It was a really weak moment. I tend to get angry quite a lot. I am also a professional at controlling my anger, at least enough that very few people will actually notice I was angry.

Anyway, back to the point. I was angry. I was very angry at who else? My sisters. They are the only thing that would EVER drive me far enough up the wall to actually physically hurt myself. I used my nails and hurt my biceps hard enough that I caused scars. I... i'm sorry, this is just quite hard for me to talk about. At that moment in time, I didn't care who would be able to see my scars, I just did it. I didn't care. I needed to feel something else besides the anger that I had. I had to feel pain so I wouldn't flip out and try to kill one of my sisters. I'm working on having kinder thoughts, but it's hard with crappy ass sister. Blogging is my release.

Here is a picture of my scars:

The lighting is pretty bad, but you can kind of see it. Even though they are faded, they're still there. Every time I see them, I want to break down and cry because that was probably the lowest I have ever gone into my depression. I know I haven't hit rock bottom. I really don't want to hit rock bottom because I don't exactly want to end my life. I know as soon as I get out of this hell hole and go to college, things might improve, but then again things might not. Ugh. My scars are now a part of me and I hope I just don't make more.

I want to be proud of my scars. I want my scars to represent the success I have had in not trying to kill myself because I have thought about it plenty of times, I still think about it sometimes. I want to be proud of my scars in the sense that it wasn't a razor or drugs or something more severe. I want to be proud of my scars because they basically symbolize my depression and how it probably won't go away just like that. I have to work at being proud of my scars and I have to work at being a positive person. I guess that's all I have to say on this wish. It's pretty simple.

I may seem like a happy person, but a smile can hide so much.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 11