My relationship with suicide and death

Sometimes I just wish to die. That's why this wish is going up.

But as you can see, there is a question mark after the word "die". Sometimes, I want to die. I have finally realized that I probably suffer from depression. That can probably be figured out already through my posts on this blog and in my other blog as well. I just disappoint myself all the time and I don't like it.

Sometimes, I set incredibly high standards for myself, but that's a different day's post.

I have days. I have days where all I want to do is go home and sleep. I have days where I hate everybody and want to be alone. People don't understand me. They take my silence as me being mad at them or me ignoring them, but that's not the case. Those days are when my depression is the worst. In every single class, I feel like crying because said people don't understand me. I get forced into being social despite the fact that I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. I'm just a people pleaser and I would rather suffer than have people think badly of me or be mad at me. Maybe that's my problem, but I want it fixed.

Sometimes, i'm sick of living. I hate most of my family and sometimes, I hate my friends. There use to be one person that I could never hate... he still is the person that I can never hate. The only person that I rarely feel like hating is my best friend. She's a special person and most of the time, I could never hate her. Other people, yes. I hate all the time. I hate so much that sometimes, I sit down and think to myself "what is wrong with you?" how could someone who seems so normal harbor so much hate? Sometimes, I feel like a freak and maybe the world would be a better place without me in it. Maybe me killing myself would save some other people from dying by my hands because honestly, I have NO idea what I am capable of, especially when I'm mad. I used to have that one person who could calm me down because he knew everything about me, but now he's gone and out of my life.

Because of him, I feel like I can never love again and I'll have to deal with myself and my flaws alone. I don't want that. I am scared of living. I'm scared of living a really bad life. I am going to die eventually, why not make that happen sooner? I've probably been having suicidal thoughts since I was 11 when everything spiraled out of control. Once I entered middle school, I hated everything. My elementary life wasn't that bad. It was actually so much fun but middle school was a different story. I became quiet and I seriously thought I was becoming a mute because I never talked. High school is a little bit better. I have friends. Friends who i'm learning to trust. Friends who know more about me. Friends who I tell things to, but also those same friends scare me.

I am completely scared that they think i'm a freak. They think i'm crazy and they're just dealing with me so that I don't aim all my hate at them. Because honestly, if i collected all of my hate and aimed it towards one person, they could be dead for all I know. I scare myself every day with the thoughts that travel through my mind. I scare myself so much that at times, I want complete escape from my mind and the only way to get that is death.

Now some may be wondering why I haven't just killed myself yet... The answer to that is quite complicated. I've hurt myself before (see my wish about my scar) but that was only 1 time. I might be bipolar. There are two me. The me who is dark and dangerous and the me who is wimpy and scared. The part of me that wants to kill myself never actually gets what she wants because the wimpy and scared part of me always kicks in and I get too scared to even plan my own death.

I guess what i'm saying is that sometimes I wish that I was dead. I still get those days where I want to die and just not have to deal with anything anymore. Sometimes, I want this wish to come true.

But to tell you the truth, what I really want is to get better. How will I do that? I don't know, but I want to. Isn't that the first step? Wanting to get better?

Thanks for reading
Star Count:12

Wishing for failure

What kind of person wishes for failure for other people? Me, that's who.

This is my wish. It's seriously my wish. If you want to know why, read my previous post because it will probably explain A LOT. I just wish my sisters would fail at something. I wish they would fail at school, at least once. I want them to fail in life because they seriously don't deserve success with all the BAD karma they've gathered. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I seriously want them to fail just so they have the smallest possibility of getting what they deserve.

They're terrible people and they deserve terrible things. Maybe I will fail because of all this venting and anger I have, but they don't deserve to succeed. For the second oldest sister, I picture her alone for the rest of her life. There is no one in the world who would want to put up with the kind of person she is now. When I think of her, that is what I wish for so badly. I know I am a terrible person for this, but if you went through what I did, being raised in a family with almost no love for each other, you would probably think this too.

As for my third oldest sister, I see her as a prostitute. Seriously. She is absolute trouble. All she does is use people. She stays out ON SCHOOL NIGHTS until 9 or sometimes a little bit later. She hangs out with boys for hours on end. She leaves the house without telling anyone where she is going. I don't see any success for her. It may just be because I hate her and my judgement is clouded/ extreme, but that's seriously what I see. I see her as one of the druggy people who don't do anything with their lives. It may be early in the game of life, but looking forward, I just wish she ends up with some dead end job just so she can maybe learn from it. I just want some retribution for the way she treats her friends and family. It's not fair if she gets to be successful because she's not considerate and kind. She's just a superficial, vain, and absolutely fake person.

As for my other two sisters, they can be successful. I actually hope that the youngest one will become pretty successful. She deserves at least some form of happiness in her future because her present is pretty bleak, almost as bad as mine. I'm extremely scared that once I leave for college and later in life, she'll become a depressed person who kills herself. I'm extremely scared for that because she deserves a lot more than that.

Oh here I go again with the tears. I can't write about this anymore. As soon as the tears start to flow, I have to stop talking about whatever it is i'm talking about because I hate crying. It just makes me more depressed.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 9

I'm...... not over you

If you guessed this wish is about a break up, you are correct.
Well, this is the star. I hope I'll be able to get prettier star paper later, but I don't know where I can get some. I ordered some from ebay, but they will not get here until the 24ish. I got this star paper from an Asian festival.
.

This is the wish that the star contains.

I apologize for my bad handwriting. I really need this wish to come true. It's been exactly one year this day since he broke up with me and I'm still crying over it. Let me tell you about the last time I cried over him.

It was July 29th. My friend, her "boyfriend", and I just had a birthday dinner for my friend. We were in the back seat while her "boyfriend" drove. My head was stuck out the window and the music was blasting at like 9 at night. It was amazing. It was fun. It was one of my most favorite moments.
but what ruins it? Hanging out the window did. It's one of my favoritest things to do when I'm in a car. If you let me stick my head out the window, you become one of my favorite drivers, but it was ruined. With the good mood all around, my thoughts just happened to drift back to him. I didn't even know why. I never hung my head out the window of his car but anyway, back to the point.
I cried that night, while hanging out of the backseat window of my BEST FRIEND's "boyfriend"'s car. I don't know why. I just know that I did. I'm not the kind that wants people to know that I've cried, so i just play it off as the wind making my eyes dry but it was more than that. He was able to ruin a perfectly amazing night. Why do I still let him have influence over me like this? I don't know why and I don't care anymore.
My tears are wasted on him and I hope that I won't cry because of him anymore. And now, I place my star into the cup to join the rest of my wishes.

Thanks for reading.

Star Count: 3