I've decided to not actually make stars but just to wish. I'll record my wishes here because I have a lot of them. To be honest, I am just too lazy to write it down and take pictures and everything. Sometimes my wishes are stupid and sometimes they require lots and lots of thought, but this blog will just be a place for all of them.
You'll see the true ME behind all my wishes. In my opinion, the random wishes will be the most entertaining because it's me. I'm one of the most random people there are and I like to rant so.... yeah, not sure how to end that sentence. Just letting you guys know that i'm formatting things differently (mainly no more pictures).
There will be one more post that will have pictures, at least for a little while. That's because I wrote it a long time ago. This is what I mean. I have batches of wishes that stem from my super depressing times but I don't like having so many posts in one day so I write them all and then I save them and publish them a different day. With this new, unformulated way of writing and posting, I won't have to hold myself back. I still have a few pictures that I haven't written posts about yet, but meh. I'll get to them when I get to them.
Peace out wishers and dreamers
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Scars, who else has them?
This is my wish:
The reason I have this wish is I have scars from the first and probably the only time I have ever been pushed far enough to hurt myself. It was a really weak moment. I tend to get angry quite a lot. I am also a professional at controlling my anger, at least enough that very few people will actually notice I was angry.
Anyway, back to the point. I was angry. I was very angry at who else? My sisters. They are the only thing that would EVER drive me far enough up the wall to actually physically hurt myself. I used my nails and hurt my biceps hard enough that I caused scars. I... i'm sorry, this is just quite hard for me to talk about. At that moment in time, I didn't care who would be able to see my scars, I just did it. I didn't care. I needed to feel something else besides the anger that I had. I had to feel pain so I wouldn't flip out and try to kill one of my sisters. I'm working on having kinder thoughts, but it's hard with crappy ass sister. Blogging is my release.
Here is a picture of my scars:
The lighting is pretty bad, but you can kind of see it. Even though they are faded, they're still there. Every time I see them, I want to break down and cry because that was probably the lowest I have ever gone into my depression. I know I haven't hit rock bottom. I really don't want to hit rock bottom because I don't exactly want to end my life. I know as soon as I get out of this hell hole and go to college, things might improve, but then again things might not. Ugh. My scars are now a part of me and I hope I just don't make more.
I want to be proud of my scars. I want my scars to represent the success I have had in not trying to kill myself because I have thought about it plenty of times, I still think about it sometimes. I want to be proud of my scars in the sense that it wasn't a razor or drugs or something more severe. I want to be proud of my scars because they basically symbolize my depression and how it probably won't go away just like that. I have to work at being proud of my scars and I have to work at being a positive person. I guess that's all I have to say on this wish. It's pretty simple.
I may seem like a happy person, but a smile can hide so much.
Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 11
The reason I have this wish is I have scars from the first and probably the only time I have ever been pushed far enough to hurt myself. It was a really weak moment. I tend to get angry quite a lot. I am also a professional at controlling my anger, at least enough that very few people will actually notice I was angry.
Anyway, back to the point. I was angry. I was very angry at who else? My sisters. They are the only thing that would EVER drive me far enough up the wall to actually physically hurt myself. I used my nails and hurt my biceps hard enough that I caused scars. I... i'm sorry, this is just quite hard for me to talk about. At that moment in time, I didn't care who would be able to see my scars, I just did it. I didn't care. I needed to feel something else besides the anger that I had. I had to feel pain so I wouldn't flip out and try to kill one of my sisters. I'm working on having kinder thoughts, but it's hard with crappy ass sister. Blogging is my release.
Here is a picture of my scars:
The lighting is pretty bad, but you can kind of see it. Even though they are faded, they're still there. Every time I see them, I want to break down and cry because that was probably the lowest I have ever gone into my depression. I know I haven't hit rock bottom. I really don't want to hit rock bottom because I don't exactly want to end my life. I know as soon as I get out of this hell hole and go to college, things might improve, but then again things might not. Ugh. My scars are now a part of me and I hope I just don't make more.
I want to be proud of my scars. I want my scars to represent the success I have had in not trying to kill myself because I have thought about it plenty of times, I still think about it sometimes. I want to be proud of my scars in the sense that it wasn't a razor or drugs or something more severe. I want to be proud of my scars because they basically symbolize my depression and how it probably won't go away just like that. I have to work at being proud of my scars and I have to work at being a positive person. I guess that's all I have to say on this wish. It's pretty simple.
I may seem like a happy person, but a smile can hide so much.
Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 11
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Twisted? or just me?
This is another wish:
This seems like a series of wishes that all interconnect. I should probably make it like that.... but anyways.
Yes, that is my wish. My mind is seriously messed up. Seriously. I can write horror stories like no other, just ask my friends. I even scared a teacher with one of my horror stories. It sometimes even scares me.
I'm scared. I'm so so scared. I'm scared of myself, which is pretty scary. Are you ever afraid of yourself? Afraid of what you would do when you just snapped one day. I have pretty dark thoughts sometimes. Thoughts of blood, murder, other things. I sometimes fear that one day I'll just be so sick of the world that I would actually go out and murder someone. It's pretty scary.
Sometimes, I even think that the only reason I haven't killed anyone yet is because I want a future for myself; a future other than jail for the rest of my life. It's so scary.
Sometimes I feel like I am going insane and I should just kill myself now before I hurt anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I am abnormal, that I am literally going insane from what I have experienced in my life. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through therapy because sometimes I feel that this anger I have inside me is the only thing actually keeping me sane. I'm a totally different person on the inside. I feel I am completely evil on the inside.
I don't know. I just wish I could be normal and think normal thoughts. I don't want these thoughts, but I can't help it. My anger has developed into something evil and I just don't know. And my sister is a bitch. Ugh, like right now. I am not a happy person. There are moments where I am rarely happy. This anger, this need to see karma kick my sister's asses is basically one of the few things keeping me from killing myself. I just have no idea what to do and I wish that a simple wish could fix this evil thing that's developed inside of me.
Thanks for reading.
Star Count:10
This seems like a series of wishes that all interconnect. I should probably make it like that.... but anyways.
Yes, that is my wish. My mind is seriously messed up. Seriously. I can write horror stories like no other, just ask my friends. I even scared a teacher with one of my horror stories. It sometimes even scares me.
I'm scared. I'm so so scared. I'm scared of myself, which is pretty scary. Are you ever afraid of yourself? Afraid of what you would do when you just snapped one day. I have pretty dark thoughts sometimes. Thoughts of blood, murder, other things. I sometimes fear that one day I'll just be so sick of the world that I would actually go out and murder someone. It's pretty scary.
Sometimes, I even think that the only reason I haven't killed anyone yet is because I want a future for myself; a future other than jail for the rest of my life. It's so scary.
Sometimes I feel like I am going insane and I should just kill myself now before I hurt anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I am abnormal, that I am literally going insane from what I have experienced in my life. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through therapy because sometimes I feel that this anger I have inside me is the only thing actually keeping me sane. I'm a totally different person on the inside. I feel I am completely evil on the inside.
I don't know. I just wish I could be normal and think normal thoughts. I don't want these thoughts, but I can't help it. My anger has developed into something evil and I just don't know. And my sister is a bitch. Ugh, like right now. I am not a happy person. There are moments where I am rarely happy. This anger, this need to see karma kick my sister's asses is basically one of the few things keeping me from killing myself. I just have no idea what to do and I wish that a simple wish could fix this evil thing that's developed inside of me.
Thanks for reading.
Star Count:10
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wishing for failure
What kind of person wishes for failure for other people? Me, that's who.
This is my wish. It's seriously my wish. If you want to know why, read my previous post because it will probably explain A LOT. I just wish my sisters would fail at something. I wish they would fail at school, at least once. I want them to fail in life because they seriously don't deserve success with all the BAD karma they've gathered. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I seriously want them to fail just so they have the smallest possibility of getting what they deserve.
They're terrible people and they deserve terrible things. Maybe I will fail because of all this venting and anger I have, but they don't deserve to succeed. For the second oldest sister, I picture her alone for the rest of her life. There is no one in the world who would want to put up with the kind of person she is now. When I think of her, that is what I wish for so badly. I know I am a terrible person for this, but if you went through what I did, being raised in a family with almost no love for each other, you would probably think this too.
As for my third oldest sister, I see her as a prostitute. Seriously. She is absolute trouble. All she does is use people. She stays out ON SCHOOL NIGHTS until 9 or sometimes a little bit later. She hangs out with boys for hours on end. She leaves the house without telling anyone where she is going. I don't see any success for her. It may just be because I hate her and my judgement is clouded/ extreme, but that's seriously what I see. I see her as one of the druggy people who don't do anything with their lives. It may be early in the game of life, but looking forward, I just wish she ends up with some dead end job just so she can maybe learn from it. I just want some retribution for the way she treats her friends and family. It's not fair if she gets to be successful because she's not considerate and kind. She's just a superficial, vain, and absolutely fake person.
As for my other two sisters, they can be successful. I actually hope that the youngest one will become pretty successful. She deserves at least some form of happiness in her future because her present is pretty bleak, almost as bad as mine. I'm extremely scared that once I leave for college and later in life, she'll become a depressed person who kills herself. I'm extremely scared for that because she deserves a lot more than that.
Oh here I go again with the tears. I can't write about this anymore. As soon as the tears start to flow, I have to stop talking about whatever it is i'm talking about because I hate crying. It just makes me more depressed.
Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 9
This is my wish. It's seriously my wish. If you want to know why, read my previous post because it will probably explain A LOT. I just wish my sisters would fail at something. I wish they would fail at school, at least once. I want them to fail in life because they seriously don't deserve success with all the BAD karma they've gathered. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I seriously want them to fail just so they have the smallest possibility of getting what they deserve.
They're terrible people and they deserve terrible things. Maybe I will fail because of all this venting and anger I have, but they don't deserve to succeed. For the second oldest sister, I picture her alone for the rest of her life. There is no one in the world who would want to put up with the kind of person she is now. When I think of her, that is what I wish for so badly. I know I am a terrible person for this, but if you went through what I did, being raised in a family with almost no love for each other, you would probably think this too.
As for my third oldest sister, I see her as a prostitute. Seriously. She is absolute trouble. All she does is use people. She stays out ON SCHOOL NIGHTS until 9 or sometimes a little bit later. She hangs out with boys for hours on end. She leaves the house without telling anyone where she is going. I don't see any success for her. It may just be because I hate her and my judgement is clouded/ extreme, but that's seriously what I see. I see her as one of the druggy people who don't do anything with their lives. It may be early in the game of life, but looking forward, I just wish she ends up with some dead end job just so she can maybe learn from it. I just want some retribution for the way she treats her friends and family. It's not fair if she gets to be successful because she's not considerate and kind. She's just a superficial, vain, and absolutely fake person.
As for my other two sisters, they can be successful. I actually hope that the youngest one will become pretty successful. She deserves at least some form of happiness in her future because her present is pretty bleak, almost as bad as mine. I'm extremely scared that once I leave for college and later in life, she'll become a depressed person who kills herself. I'm extremely scared for that because she deserves a lot more than that.
Oh here I go again with the tears. I can't write about this anymore. As soon as the tears start to flow, I have to stop talking about whatever it is i'm talking about because I hate crying. It just makes me more depressed.
Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 9
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