Twisted? or just me?

This is another wish:

This seems like a series of wishes that all interconnect. I should probably make it like that.... but anyways.

Yes, that is my wish. My mind is seriously messed up. Seriously. I can write horror stories like no other, just ask my friends. I even scared a teacher with one of my horror stories. It sometimes even scares me.

I'm scared. I'm so so scared. I'm scared of myself, which is pretty scary. Are you ever afraid of yourself? Afraid of what you would do when you just snapped one day. I have pretty dark thoughts sometimes. Thoughts of blood, murder, other things. I sometimes fear that one day I'll just be so sick of the world that I would actually go out and murder someone. It's pretty scary.

Sometimes, I even think that the only reason I haven't killed anyone yet is because I want a future for myself; a future other than jail for the rest of my life. It's so scary.

Sometimes I feel like I am going insane and I should just kill myself now before I hurt anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I am abnormal, that I am literally going insane from what I have experienced in my life. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through therapy because sometimes I feel that this anger I have inside me is the only thing actually keeping me sane. I'm a totally different person on the inside. I feel I am completely evil on the inside.

I don't know. I just wish I could be normal and think normal thoughts. I don't want these thoughts, but I can't help it. My anger has developed into something evil and I just don't know. And my sister is a bitch. Ugh, like right now. I am not a happy person. There are moments where I am rarely happy. This anger, this need to see karma kick my sister's asses is basically one of the few things keeping me from killing myself. I just have no idea what to do and I wish that a simple wish could fix this evil thing that's developed inside of me.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count:10

Family.... I really hate this topic.

This is the wish.

My sisters suck. They really do. They're selfish and rude and just inconsiderate. I wish I could have better sisters. I can honestly say that I don't really love any of them. The closest one that I could even say I absolutely care about is the 2nd youngest. Even if I say that, there are times where I absolutely hate her guts.

This may sound really mean, but my sisters are pure bitches sometimes. Seriously, they are backstabbers and have NO respect for anyone at all.

I would like to start off by saying I have 4 sisters. I know that's a lot, but my parents really wanted a boy. I blame my parents partially for bringing all these children into the world and basically not caring for them. My parents weren't really a parental figure in my life. That job was basically all handed down to my grandma. That is why I love her and probably only her in my entire family.

Now, the one person that made me want this wish is the second oldest sister. I am the oldest. She is a bitch. She is a total bitch, seriously. If you meet her, she seems shy, but as you get to know her your mind changes. She is a complete bully. She bullied me and all my sisters. She's violent and she emotionally abused me, I would say. I have nothing to compare it to, but I feel like it really is emotional abuse.

She isn't this way to only me, but to my other sisters and to her very own cousins and friends. She talks bad about people behind her back. She calls her supposed BEST FRIEND stupid and dumb behind her back. She had made people cry. She is pure evil incarnated. She doesn't give a crap about anybody's feelings.

Another thing that makes her a complete fail at being a human being is that she can't keep secrets. At all. Seriously. She tells my mother about my cousins and their PRIVATE LIVES. What kind of person does that? If my cousin, especially my supposed favorite cousin, confided in me, I would be a decent person and not go to my parents and tell them EVERY SINGLE DETAIL. All she does is hurt people. That's all she can do. She isn't decent. She isn't anything but the devil. This is my opinion of her and seriously, that is messed up. I know it is, but how can I develop any sense of love for such an inhuman person.

You can tell I have some pent up feelings about her can't you? This isn't even the worst of it. I have another post that you can find here about her. *be warned, there is A LOT of swearing which I don't normally do* I seriously hate her. I have so much hate for her that sometimes I just want to plan out her murder or kill myself so I don't have to deal with her (but that's a story for another day).

Ever since she and I got into an actual fist fight, I have been so much better off. That one explosion of anger made me realize what a total slut bag bitch she is and I haven't talked to her since. I am so glad I kicked her out of my life. She will NOT be a part of my wedding. My children will probably not even know that she was my sister. That's how much I want her out of my freaking life. I hate her. I hate her so much and i'm glad that once I am off on my own, I will NEVER have to deal with her abuse again.



Now onward to my other sister. This sister is the 3rd oldest. My honest opinion of her? She's a slut, a complete slut. I hate her guts. All she does is use people. She's a user. She actually said this about her best friend "I only invited her over so she would give me her shorts". That is not what a real person does is it?

Due to her stupid excuse for a personality, she has had NUMEROUS falling outs with her friends and actually, I don't feel bad for her. I actually feel bad for the friends that had to deal with all her shit throughout their friendship. I feel that she will never amount to anything because of what a horrible person she is. I am terribly blunt in my blog posts, but this is a place for venting out what I feel and I am a person filled with hate.

It's sad isn't it? My family. My sisters are abusive, emotionally and physically sometimes. They don't even realize it's wrong. I'm probably the most human out of all my sisters and that's sad because sometimes I feel messed up.

Oh my goodness, I can't do this anymore. I can't write about my family because it makes me a depressed mess. It makes me seriously think about ending my own life because of how miserable it is. I'm sorry, I can't finish this post with what I actually want to write. It's already bad enough, everything I've said. Maybe in the future, I will write more about my family, but all it does is make me cry and feel extremely judged by no one in particular, like it's my fault that I am letting all this happen because I'm the oldest and I should be the one helping to teach them what's right and what's wrong.

Thanks to them and probably my own personality, I have become an extreme push over with pent of anger and feelings of depression and suicide.

I just wish for someone to make it better, anyone at all. I wish for better sisters all the time and it hasn't happened and probably will NEVER happen. That's the sad part. I can never have this wish because they won't EVER change. Sometimes, I think maybe my death would make them change.... and I just can't. I can't. I have to stop writing this post or else I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Just thanks for reading.
Star Count: 8

Long hair.... don't care.

I wish for longer hair.

Being Asian, I've gone through much of my life with the short hair. As a child, my mom was obsessed with the "bowl" cut. She kept my hair short. When i was in... I think the 3rd or 4th grade I was finally able to have hair that was shoulder length. Then my mom just forgot about cutting my hair short.

My hair grows like crazy, so this shouldn't be hard to actually get. I had almost waist length hair once. In 7th grade, I decided to get a hair cut to basically have chin length hair. Worst. Decision. Of. My. Life. Seriously. It was the worst decision ever.

After that, I did not cut my hair for two whole years. I was so scared it would be gross like the first time. By the end of the two years, I had super long hair (not quite waist length yet, but getting close). I wanted to keep growing it so I could reach my goal length. Ugh, but then my mom forced me to cut my hair. I LOST SIX INCHES OF HAIR. Now I have to start my goal over again. I hope this happens this year. I love my hair but I love it long.

I fold my star:

and put it in my jar.... Did not get a picture of the jar since it's the same and that's like boring. I'll probably only do a picture when I get a new jar and every 50? 100? stars or so.

P.S. My star paper arrived! So now I have some new designs... I bought three different patters :)

Thanks for reading :)
Star Count: 6

Secret Garden Wish

I want a love like GRI and KJW.

So, this is something I've wished for a while now. I want a real love story. This wish will not be easy to fulfill. You see, this is what my wish is.

I am a shy person. I don't really approach guys. Even at work, I don't talk to the guys there. Most of them are my age. They talk to each other, but I'm always standing there, being quiet and shy. It's not that I don't want to talk to people, it's just that I can't. I don't know what's up with my personality. I just don't like talking. I can only talk to people who talk to me.

That leads to my problem. How will I create my own love story if I can't talk to guys? I want to work harder to be more open because I'm probably one of the weirdest most craziest person that you will ever meet. I hope to find someone who will be willing to accept that side of me.

Now let me explain the acronyms. GRI stands for Gil Ra Im. KJW stands for Kim Joo Woo. These are the main characters from my most favorite Korean dramas. Through my journey of watching this drama, I fell in love with these characters. It made me want a love story just like them. I sometimes see gifs and rewatch specific episodes and cry because I want a love story as true as theirs.

I just really want to find one person that I can be myself with. Even if we don't last that long, it would still be nice to fall in love and do all those things that girlfriends and boyfriends do. That didn't really happen with my first relationship, and I realize that now after observing my friend. I want a real relationship, cuteness in all.

And so, with that wish in my heart, I fold up my star and put it into my jar/box. (I've decided I'm not going to post a picture of that because I feel like I'm repeating the same picture over and over again. If I put it in the same place, I'm not going to take a picture)

Thanks for reading :D
Star Count: 5

More and More Albums

One of my wishes is to gain more K-pop albums!
I've always wanted to support my favorite groups by buying their albums but before last year, I was not able to because my parents do not like/trust buying things online. When I got my first job (which i'm still working at!), I was able to start buying albums. That was 11 months ago. Since then, I've purchased only five albums (to me, that's a little). Below is a picture of all my albums.

I bought them in this order:
1. Big Bang's Alive T.O.P. version (because who doesn't love TOP?)
2. EXO-K's Mama debut album
3. EXO-M's Mama debut album (I know. It is the same as EXO-K's except in chinese. I really wanted to support EXO-M as well.... plus I wanted the poster.... Don't judge)
4. Big Bang's Still Alive Big Bang version (really wanted the TOP version but I already got that for the Alive album)
5. Nu'est's Action <--- bought this solely because of the song Action.

That is my meager collection of K-Pop albums. I really want more, hence my wish below.

K-Pop makes me happy. I hope to purchase G-Dragon's upcoming album, any album MBLAQ comes out with, more Big Bang albums, EXO's albums (probably both since I can never decide...), and many more.... hopefully. I do have to start paying for my own gas.... sooooo..... I really hope I can make this wish come true. I want to end up with at least 12 by this time next year. Hopefully I'll still be extremely dedicated to K-Pop like I am now.

So as I fold up my wish......

and place it into my new (still temporary) jar (more like a box. I'm so sorry stars. I'll find a good place for you soon...ish?)

hoping with all my heart that it will come true.

Thanks for reading! :)
Star Count: 3

Start

I folded the first wishes.


Yes, you read that right. I started my folding my first few wishes. Hopefully it does not take me 5 years to make 1000 wishes. But you can see below the wishes that I put into my stars.
So first, this is my star jar. I've had this since I was 13, so it's been 4 years. These are the stars that I've folded. I never put wishes into them. These are just empty stars. I can't say that. Some stars have things written in them, but that's a post for another day. Here is my star jar.

I don't plan to get rid of these stars. I'll keep them but they have no meaning to me. These two next stars have meaning.

They mark the beginning of my new journey. A journey that I needed to make since last August. A journey that will hopefully help me heal from what I've been through. As I sit here, I've come up with another wish. I'll leave that for a separate post. Anyway, here are the wishes I wrote into the stars. I hope these will actually come true.

As I place my stars into the new jar (I'm using a cup at the moment. I need to go find a jar to decorate before I can feel that this has officially started), I start my journey of wishes. Hopefully this blog will be able to catalog all those wishes.

Thanks for reading.

Star Count: 2