The reason I have this wish is I have scars from the first and probably the only time I have ever been pushed far enough to hurt myself. It was a really weak moment. I tend to get angry quite a lot. I am also a professional at controlling my anger, at least enough that very few people will actually notice I was angry.
Anyway, back to the point. I was angry. I was very angry at who else? My sisters. They are the only thing that would EVER drive me far enough up the wall to actually physically hurt myself. I used my nails and hurt my biceps hard enough that I caused scars. I... i'm sorry, this is just quite hard for me to talk about. At that moment in time, I didn't care who would be able to see my scars, I just did it. I didn't care. I needed to feel something else besides the anger that I had. I had to feel pain so I wouldn't flip out and try to kill one of my sisters. I'm working on having kinder thoughts, but it's hard with crappy ass sister. Blogging is my release.
Here is a picture of my scars:
The lighting is pretty bad, but you can kind of see it. Even though they are faded, they're still there. Every time I see them, I want to break down and cry because that was probably the lowest I have ever gone into my depression. I know I haven't hit rock bottom. I really don't want to hit rock bottom because I don't exactly want to end my life. I know as soon as I get out of this hell hole and go to college, things might improve, but then again things might not. Ugh. My scars are now a part of me and I hope I just don't make more.
I want to be proud of my scars. I want my scars to represent the success I have had in not trying to kill myself because I have thought about it plenty of times, I still think about it sometimes. I want to be proud of my scars in the sense that it wasn't a razor or drugs or something more severe. I want to be proud of my scars because they basically symbolize my depression and how it probably won't go away just like that. I have to work at being proud of my scars and I have to work at being a positive person. I guess that's all I have to say on this wish. It's pretty simple.
I may seem like a happy person, but a smile can hide so much.
Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 11
