Girl gone.... wild?

I want to move away. Part of my is absolutely terrified of moving away because I've lived in the same town for all of my life. Part of me wants to go live in a big city where no one knows my name or my story. There are times when I love my life here where I am right now, but there are times like now when I don't. Right now, I want to forget about everyone. I want to go to some strange city and just make a new life for myself. That's part of the reason why I wanted to go to college in a different state, so I could be a complete stranger where NO ONE will know who am. I can break my reputation as the girl who is quiet, who doesn't talk, who's shy because I'm really not.

I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety but would I really act the same way if it's not with people I have grown up with my WHOLE life? I want to be the new person. I want to be the fun version of myself for once. I want to see what kind of people will really be my friend if I was thrown into a random city.

I guess I just want change and a chance to be me.

I wish....

I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life.


I am quite the indecisive person and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm starting college soon, but that doesn't mean I know anything about my life. I have no idea what I want to do. Where I want to go. What I want to be. I don't know anything. I will be a small tiny fish in the big ocean of life and that scares me.


I wish I knew. I wish there was a sign that just said "Be a doctor" "Be a lawyer" "Be an artist". I wish someone would just tell me what to do with my life because I have no clue. Frankly, I would be okay with anything because I know I won't like my job if I can't travel but I know I want to make lots of money. There is no compromise for me. That is exactly why I can't make a decision.


I wish life was easy.

I wish for a nice Valentine's Day

Don't all girls just wish for a secret admirer on Valentine's Day? I've always dreamed of being surprised on this day. I've dreamed of receiving a confession. I've always dreamed of receiving something to make me feel special. Every year, I'm not really expecting anything. Even though I'm not, every year I've been disappointed by Valentine's day. Sucks to be me.

Maybe this year will be different. But then again, I work on Valentine's day so.... Maybe this Valentine's day will suck. Maybe I will come home and cry in a corner because sadness.

Forever alone because I truly think that no one can really like a shy, quiet, book-nerd type person such as me. *sobs*

Be in a FUN relationship

By fun, I do mean fun. I don't want another relationship where we discuss our future together and everything because right now, i seriously still feel like if I had another relationship like that, he's going to end up hurting me and crushing my soul.

Which is why I want a fun relationship. I guess thanks to my first relationship being pretty serious, I wasn't able to have the kind of experimental relationship that I have wanted all along. I want a cute relationship. I want a fun relationship. I want us to just randomly decide to go pig out on McDonalds or randomly go get coffee. I want spontaneous. I want fun. I want cute. I want easy.

I wish I could have one of those. I just want an easy relationship. Who knows, maybe an easy relationship will develop into something more. I don't know. I just want to start off with fun and cute and ugh.

How many of you actually get what i'm talking about? Sometimes, i don't even know what I'm talking about. Ugh. I just want a relationship because sometimes I need someone who will be there for me. Someone I can just be the random person I am with.

My relationship with suicide and death

Sometimes I just wish to die. That's why this wish is going up.

But as you can see, there is a question mark after the word "die". Sometimes, I want to die. I have finally realized that I probably suffer from depression. That can probably be figured out already through my posts on this blog and in my other blog as well. I just disappoint myself all the time and I don't like it.

Sometimes, I set incredibly high standards for myself, but that's a different day's post.

I have days. I have days where all I want to do is go home and sleep. I have days where I hate everybody and want to be alone. People don't understand me. They take my silence as me being mad at them or me ignoring them, but that's not the case. Those days are when my depression is the worst. In every single class, I feel like crying because said people don't understand me. I get forced into being social despite the fact that I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. I'm just a people pleaser and I would rather suffer than have people think badly of me or be mad at me. Maybe that's my problem, but I want it fixed.

Sometimes, i'm sick of living. I hate most of my family and sometimes, I hate my friends. There use to be one person that I could never hate... he still is the person that I can never hate. The only person that I rarely feel like hating is my best friend. She's a special person and most of the time, I could never hate her. Other people, yes. I hate all the time. I hate so much that sometimes, I sit down and think to myself "what is wrong with you?" how could someone who seems so normal harbor so much hate? Sometimes, I feel like a freak and maybe the world would be a better place without me in it. Maybe me killing myself would save some other people from dying by my hands because honestly, I have NO idea what I am capable of, especially when I'm mad. I used to have that one person who could calm me down because he knew everything about me, but now he's gone and out of my life.

Because of him, I feel like I can never love again and I'll have to deal with myself and my flaws alone. I don't want that. I am scared of living. I'm scared of living a really bad life. I am going to die eventually, why not make that happen sooner? I've probably been having suicidal thoughts since I was 11 when everything spiraled out of control. Once I entered middle school, I hated everything. My elementary life wasn't that bad. It was actually so much fun but middle school was a different story. I became quiet and I seriously thought I was becoming a mute because I never talked. High school is a little bit better. I have friends. Friends who i'm learning to trust. Friends who know more about me. Friends who I tell things to, but also those same friends scare me.

I am completely scared that they think i'm a freak. They think i'm crazy and they're just dealing with me so that I don't aim all my hate at them. Because honestly, if i collected all of my hate and aimed it towards one person, they could be dead for all I know. I scare myself every day with the thoughts that travel through my mind. I scare myself so much that at times, I want complete escape from my mind and the only way to get that is death.

Now some may be wondering why I haven't just killed myself yet... The answer to that is quite complicated. I've hurt myself before (see my wish about my scar) but that was only 1 time. I might be bipolar. There are two me. The me who is dark and dangerous and the me who is wimpy and scared. The part of me that wants to kill myself never actually gets what she wants because the wimpy and scared part of me always kicks in and I get too scared to even plan my own death.

I guess what i'm saying is that sometimes I wish that I was dead. I still get those days where I want to die and just not have to deal with anything anymore. Sometimes, I want this wish to come true.

But to tell you the truth, what I really want is to get better. How will I do that? I don't know, but I want to. Isn't that the first step? Wanting to get better?

Thanks for reading
Star Count:12

New changes

I've decided to not actually make stars but just to wish. I'll record my wishes here because I have a lot of them. To be honest, I am just too lazy to write it down and take pictures and everything. Sometimes my wishes are stupid and sometimes they require lots and lots of thought, but this blog will just be a place for all of them.

You'll see the true ME behind all my wishes. In my opinion, the random wishes will be the most entertaining because it's me. I'm one of the most random people there are and I like to rant so.... yeah, not sure how to end that sentence. Just letting you guys know that i'm formatting things differently (mainly no more pictures).

There will be one more post that will have pictures, at least for a little while. That's because I wrote it a long time ago. This is what I mean. I have batches of wishes that stem from my super depressing times but I don't like having so many posts in one day so I write them all and then I save them and publish them a different day. With this new, unformulated way of writing and posting, I won't have to hold myself back. I still have a few pictures that I haven't written posts about yet, but meh. I'll get to them when I get to them.

Peace out wishers and dreamers

Scars, who else has them?

This is my wish:

The reason I have this wish is I have scars from the first and probably the only time I have ever been pushed far enough to hurt myself. It was a really weak moment. I tend to get angry quite a lot. I am also a professional at controlling my anger, at least enough that very few people will actually notice I was angry.

Anyway, back to the point. I was angry. I was very angry at who else? My sisters. They are the only thing that would EVER drive me far enough up the wall to actually physically hurt myself. I used my nails and hurt my biceps hard enough that I caused scars. I... i'm sorry, this is just quite hard for me to talk about. At that moment in time, I didn't care who would be able to see my scars, I just did it. I didn't care. I needed to feel something else besides the anger that I had. I had to feel pain so I wouldn't flip out and try to kill one of my sisters. I'm working on having kinder thoughts, but it's hard with crappy ass sister. Blogging is my release.

Here is a picture of my scars:

The lighting is pretty bad, but you can kind of see it. Even though they are faded, they're still there. Every time I see them, I want to break down and cry because that was probably the lowest I have ever gone into my depression. I know I haven't hit rock bottom. I really don't want to hit rock bottom because I don't exactly want to end my life. I know as soon as I get out of this hell hole and go to college, things might improve, but then again things might not. Ugh. My scars are now a part of me and I hope I just don't make more.

I want to be proud of my scars. I want my scars to represent the success I have had in not trying to kill myself because I have thought about it plenty of times, I still think about it sometimes. I want to be proud of my scars in the sense that it wasn't a razor or drugs or something more severe. I want to be proud of my scars because they basically symbolize my depression and how it probably won't go away just like that. I have to work at being proud of my scars and I have to work at being a positive person. I guess that's all I have to say on this wish. It's pretty simple.

I may seem like a happy person, but a smile can hide so much.

Thanks for reading.
Star Count: 11